Today I Made Lemonade

Regret is a powerful thing. It’s heavy, and it pulls you down in more ways than you can even comprehend. Think of all the bad decisions you’ve made- from that extravagant, non-refundable purchase, to a bad relationship, to not working out the past week. Life is full of regrets. It has a great influence in your life and life decisions- though minuscule, they add up and often at times, life is out of your control. More often than not, your regrets are much stronger than the the ones of the person next to you; or so you think. Only, some choose to dwell on it and some don’t. The fascinating thing about regret is that it exists in varying measures in everyone’s life, not matter who they are. Regret is omnipresent.

Regret is also a major part of depression. Depression is not cool, it’s not convenient, it’s not romantic, and you can’t fake it. It’s not even visible, but it messes you up. You don’t need to be clinically diagnosed to know that you will be clinically diagnosed soon. The fascinating thing about depression is that you can always know when you’re on the brink of it.  There’s a margin, between being down in the dumps and going into clinical depression – an ambiguous area of emotional turbulence, where you know that you can still pick up the pieces but you have to get up out of bed without having to wonder why you have to. This is the phase where you have to “snap out of it”. You have to wake up.

Overcoming emotional trauma is often a lonely and fearsome thing to do. That’s why it’s multiple times easier to overcome pain when there’s someone to share it with – a loving partner, a friend, a sibling, or a parent. But you’re on the far end of the middle zone when you have all the people you want, and still feel that invisible mountain sitting on your head. You’re not lazy – you don’t get up and go drink some water because you can’t. You have stepped out of the house barely ten times in the last six months because you are so imprisoned in your own mind, it makes no matter where you go. You don’t talk to people because you can’t, not because you don’t want to. You can see the shambles all around you, and you care, but you can’t do anything because your brain refuses to listen to itself and your limbs don’t cooperate. The fascinating thing about emotional drain is how often people confuse your inability to act with not caring. And how often you actually stop caring.

Then in a sudden moment of vivacious clarity, you see yourself. You have always looked at your life, but you never saw. People have told you things and you always knew they were true, but you never saw. It’s a big jolt, it takes the breath out of you. The iron mountain on your head is still there, but it can rust and crumble. And you have to make it. Your life has always had a plan, and now it’s all but gone. You can’t comprehend reality. But when you see, you accept. You accept that there were rose-tinted glasses somewhere, and that it’s time to throw your unrequited dreams out of the window. Life’s unfair only as long as you don’t accept it. The fascinating thing about acceptance is that you realize you can’t have dreams anymore – only ambitions. Acceptance is the first step to recovery.

To recover, there has to be change. Not a slow change, as is often advocated, but an overnight one. Change has to be drastic. It at least must have a drastic attempt made it before it can even be noticeable. There’s nothing fascinating about change.

Life throws a variety of citrus fruits at you, and the increasingly massive mountains only make it that much harder for you to see that they can be crushed with your feet and stopped with your hands. You are left dehydrated and drained without realizing that lemonade can offer all the energy you need. You just have to pick up some of the lemons and make it.

Today I saw, and today I accept.

Tomorrow, I’m hopeful I’ll wake up.

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8 comments on “Today I Made Lemonade

  1. Freaked!

    “Are you looking back at life”? – I have had the same feeling for the past couple of months. I diagnosed and reasoned, which I believe is root cause of my illness, “AN IDLE MIND IS DEVIL’S WORKSHOP”!

    I checked on your blog after reading your views on the controversial topic! (quora) (Dude I do not want to utter the word! ;-)) If I could suggest the apt title for the above post, maybe it should be titled – KARMA! 😛

    I was kidding! I have read some part of the scriptures (coded! – H*&^t&(SM, chanted V*&AS – had a formal course, if I could say so!), realized that basis of all the scriptures is just but logical thinking. Maybe if I could say so, just read why a certain ritual is performed in such a way! The scriptures answer that as well which is scientific in nature 🙂

    Basicalla, we are species who are jobless and make the whole world chaos! and at same time trying to make whole world better place to live in, which is nothing but leading to more chaos (joking!) 😉

    P.S. – I respect your views on quora. 🙂 Suggested books to read – Indian Philosophy (Volume I & II) – Oxford research paperbacks – S Radhakrishnan and The Egyptian book of Living and Dying – Joann Fletcher – (This well help to correlate about the philosophy of religion – Eastern and Indian).

    1. Sandrova

      Ah, so you’re saying that this post was my retribution for feeling the things I did in my answer? Karma? The chronology is a little messed up though. And thanks for the book suggestions, I’ll look them up.

  2. Brynden Lannister

    Hi Sandhya,

    First of all, I apologize for stalking you way down till your blog. Also, I’m sorry for the way stupid ***ks like ‘freaked’ are harassing you via comments. You are a Quora celebrity and like every celebrity, you will have to deal with both idiots and admirers.

    I’ve never known you in real life; everything that I know about you is from the alphabets that appear on the screen in front of me. But it is hard to not believe that you are anything but interesting (the way you write about ASOIAF), kind (the way you write about dogs), smart (the way you write about etymology) and every other good adjective that I can think of. You are an awesome person, whom I will always adore. The point in writing all this stuff is not to express how much infatuation I have with your Quora persona but to say that despite the recent times not being among the good ones you have had, there are people who really like you and who will be glad to see you happy. I hope you get what you really want soon. And I wish we had known each other in real life so that I would have been the friend with whom you could share the things you are going through.

    Once again, you are a beautiful person and the world needs people like you amongst them. I am tempted to recommend a few books to you but I realize that being a bookworm you must have read more than half of any library. Good luck and take care! (sorry for using awesome so many times, but there is no other adjective that describes you better)

    1. Sandrova

      Hi Brynden,

      You’re amazing. Thank you for all the positive and kind words. We might not know each other in real life, but everything you just said means a lot. It really does. Please do go ahead and recommend some books. I’m on a reading hiatus right now, maybe they will get me out of it.

      Once again, thank you.

      – Sandhya

  3. Brynden Lannister

    Hi Sandhya,

    Thanks for replying. You being happy and cheerful has another direct benefit for me- more & more interesting and creative answers for crazy questions I ask like ‘what might it be like being Maragery Tyrell’s cousin?’. So I wish you quickly gain the strength needed to tackle the issues in your life and come out the other end triumphant.

    There are two sub-reddits that I want to suggest- r/Makemefeelbetter http://www.reddit.com/r/MMFB/ and r/offmychest- http://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/ . Both these communities have people who give genuinely good suggestions and might help you to see a new side of the problem you are going through. As with everything else on internet, there will be trolls but they are surprisingly fewer in number.

    Have you read ‘Thinking, fast and slow’ by Daniel Kahnemann? It’s an interesting book and it has made me aware of a lot of biases I unknowingly bring to day-to-day discussions. Apart from that, ‘Flatland’ by Edwin Abbott is another interesting novel as it looks at the idea of a multi-dimensional universe. Also, what do you think about Osho? If you are ready to forget his controversial side, there is a book by him on awareness (http://www.amazon.com/Awareness-The-Living-Balance-Insights/dp/0312275633 or http://www.baytalinsaan.com/ebooks/AWARENESS%20OSHO.pdf) . If you are new to his philosophy, I am sure you would definitely like it.

    Do keep on writing as much as you can. Hope everything works out for you.

    1. Sandrova

      I have never actually used Reddit. I’ll be sure to check those links out. I’ll also look at the book suggestions. I’ve never explored Osho’s terrain at all, it might make for a good read. Thank you, once again, for always being so nice!

  4. Achyut Bihani

    This is a heartening post, Sandy.

    Well-written and true. Written straight from the heart and straight in the heart it strikes.

    Thank you for this!

    1. Sandrova

      Lots of love to you, Achyut. We’ll get through it. Remove the vowels whenever you need some company. 🙂

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